I think There comes a time in life where you have to draw a line, put all the drama and the people who have created it behind you. I have no desire  to hold onto anger or resentment anymore. My past is my past, I have learnt from it, it’s made me wiser and provided a blessing too, so I cannot hate it. My son is happy and wonderful, growing up quickly and a joy to be around everyday. I cannot describe how thankful I am, the most beautiful little boy, who has amazing people around him, around us.

I am closing the chapter on this part of my life and opening a new one.

I will be starting a new blog…..Watch this space!

I have met a few men in the last couple of months, the last one happened to be an old friend, which I wrote about in my previous post. After everything I had written, I still fell for the lies and yet landed up in bed with another wrong man!! This was the first man I actually had felt very comfortable with since my son’s father. I had to retreat and lick my wounds, but I now feel a lot better and much stronger!

A few more dates, nothing exciting……. Old, young, intelligent and a little thick……a bunch of all sorts! It call came down to one thing…. from the chat up lines, to the drinks and dinners, the one thing they all wanted from me was……SEX. Shocker. I never gave in, I wasn’t going to feel that heartbreak, because as much as you can tell yourself it’s just sex…….it rarely is just that

I have thought a lot about the mistakes I have made and also other mistakes I know friends have made in relationships. I have one friend who I love dearly, but is so particular about what she’s looking for in a man. As time wears on, you experience life and become more fussy, the list gets longer, and to be honest, unrealistic. I personally am not unrealistic, but specific when it comes down to my son and who would be suitable in his life.

We are in the new age where the men with no balls can break any relationship without having to look this person in the eye. What was widely regarded as awful and horrific seems to be more acceptable. A break up email, text message…..no more notes or phone conversations needed. So WHY can’t men say what they mean? OR are we looking into things too much? Women over analyse everything, it’s in our nature. Men are simpler creatures, but we still like to think they are complicated and forever searching for hidden messages.

I have recently been on the receiving end of strange communication…..How do you take it? Do you ask? Will you piss them off if you keep asking why? These things have left me baffled. What’s even harder is if you know this person, you feel ‘safe.’ They’re not going to piss you around because why would they do that to a friend. Then you receive a line of communication which is thoughtful, but inconclusive. What are they trying to do? Piss you off more? If men realised that brutal honesty was actually easier in some cases then feelings would be repaired easily especially when you don’t have to communicate face to face anymore. So what do we do? Plunge in head first, believe what we are told? Try and look for hidden messages? Or do you assume you are being lied to and if you’re not, it’s a bonus!

Maybe they like to keep things open…just in case. My friend had told me not long ago that I was more than likely the right person at the wrong time….She said I was ‘marriage material,’ and if someone isn’t ready for you yet, they will keep you on ice. They don’t want to say no because it cuts the cord, but they’re not ready for you yet. How thoughtful. How flattering. So is he lying and telling me what I want to hear to keep things open, or is he genuine and I take him for his word? I am losing faith in relationships and I am sure there are some lovely people out there, but where the hell are they???

We have our needs and expectations, communication being the most important but seems to be the hardest to achieve sometimes. I have recently discovered that I am not happy with the level of communication. How do you communicate that without sounding needy or demanding? Am I needy or demanding? No, I would like to think not, but I do have certain things that I like to implement at the start of a relationship. A cheeky text here and there or a sneaky 5 minute phone call all help at the start. It nice to be thought of, even if it’s for 10 seconds!

Most of my previous relationships have been extremely intense and that’s how I remember things, but to try and get back into the proper ‘dating/relationship’ scene it seems things have changed slightly. Men seem different, not as sure of their wants and needs, probably because they are juggling more than one woman at a time!

My frankness seems to be the hardest thing for someone to overcome, it can be misconstrued as intensity, but I have always believed to say how you feel, what you want and then it’s out in the open. In these times I have found that this doesn’t work, so I am supposed to beat around the bush a little and give subtle hints otherwise it seems men get frightened. Mistake number  24!

When someone gives you that ‘safe’ feeling, I immediately let my guard down. They understand me, my situation, so surely they aren’t going to use me, are they? Suddenly you are being told all the things you want to hear and things feel exciting, positive and this could be the someone who you could spend time with. It feels amazing, you feel that this person genuinely cares…… and it’s another wrong man. Over and over again it seems that I am either the right person at the wrong time, or the ‘stepping stone’ person.

I would still like to think that there is one person out there who will give the simplest things in life…….Honesty, Communication, Trust, Time and Love

I decided that internet speed dating would be the answer! Armed with a large vodka and chocolate, I sat down looking at the computer not knowing what to expect. The first few guys seemed nice enough and as the evening wore on, the perverts came out! One after another, I flicked through pictures and profiles. IM chat would pop up on my screen and I would read things like, ‘Can I make you cum?’ or ‘Let me show you what a man is.’ OMG it just got worse!! After the first few it became funny and then repulsive……how could you meet anyone on the internet?

I had spent so much time on my own, I was now used to my own company. I went on speed date regularly and eventually met a young tall guy. Very tall – 6ft 8inches tall! Me being only 5ft 2, I think he figured it was perfect blow job height. We fast became friends and nothing else ever emerged from our friendship. The odd cheeky text, but that was it.

I had met with an old friend who was on my Facebook and we had started to chat, he used to go to the local school and to be honest his brother was bloody gorgeous, perfect bone structure, almost delicate and far cry from my hulk of an ex. He was more masculine, not as good looking as his brother, but certainly had a charm about him. The biggest put off – he LOVED himself! But we were both single, young (ish) so why not meet up, give it a chance?!

I was so nervous meeting someone I already knew. In the back of my mind all I could think of was, ‘not another arsehole, another heartache.’ I hadn’t been out with him yet!! I think once you take so much, the fear runs through you and fast forward flashes appear and you end up working yourself up into such a state that the external calm exterior is hard to keep under control.

I blabbed far too much about my past it was a put off straight away. My ‘way’ has always been to be upfront and honest about the person you are, obviously in this situation, not such a good thing. He actually called me an idiot for staying with my ex husband. I knew it was true but never imagined someone could be so blinkered to the big wide world, the consequences and hard choices we have to make.

After a few drinks, back to his place and a couple of kisses, I left…. a little happy and maybe too keen. Mistake number 23!!

New Year came along with the promises it would be a better time, I would get better luck. My son’s third birthday and no card, no presents from his father.

Time flew by and each day things got a little better. I sometimes felt this presence behind me, watching me and as soon as I looked back, it was gone. I felt that he had been around now on more than one occasion, some people would call me paranoid, but I knew better. He was gone, but not for long. He would be back, it was just a question of when. All I can do now is bring my gorgeous son to be everything a man should be, everything his father wasn’t; honest, caring and a gentleman who knew the right thing to do. I want my son to know how to treat people and focus on the good things in life, be kind-hearted because you want to be, not for the expectation or praise that comes with doing good.

I was hoping these experiences would better equip me with being able to spot a wrong man. All the ups and downs, mistakes, crying and heartache, the violence, cheating and lies must be for a reason. Does this mean when the ‘right’ person comes along we will appreciate them more? Will we understand ourselves better and compromise more? Could I spot a wrong man? Do you think any of us can see it heading our way, or are we still blinded by our wants, by the big fairytale and false promises that we will get it? Have I learnt a lesson?

I have learnt so far, not to jump in feet first. To look into someone’s past and family in-depth. Be cautious and take time getting to know someone. I will not take anyone at face value again. Who do I trust? My son and I. Do I have good relationship advice? I would like to think so. Does the past haunt me? Everyday, but I am learning to deal with it.

I was waking up every morning between 3.30am and 4am in the morning for the entire week, worrying, tossing and turning. I had enough on my mind, but there was something else nagging me.

I was in the park with a friend of mine Saturday morning and I received a text from an old friend which simply said, ‘*** is working back here.’ I felt the familiar chill run through my spine, my heart sank. I text back immediately asking he what she knew. My friend saw the dismay in my face and once I had told her, she looked as unhappy as me! The only thing that did put a smile on my face was that he had apparently put on more weight and looked old.

I suddenly felt paranoid, my mind spinning around and around. Why  would he come back and work in this area after everything? Had he split up with his policewoman? Was he living down here? The week before I had received a letter from the CSA stating they had found him and were trying to get payments from him. My thoughts were racing. Was he coming back to make my life a misery if he had to pay maintenance until I gave in and told him to leave and he didn’t have to pay anything? Was he back for my son? The last thing he said to my son was, ‘I will come back and get you,’ whilst looking at me. I felt the fear of God run through me at that point. I knew there and then, this wouldn’t be the last time I would see him. I was right. Whatever happens now, I would have to be very careful, but try not to project too much paranoia onto my son.

People tell you not to worry, everything will be fine, but until you have been in the position where you know someone can make you feel paranoid or threaten to take the one thing in your life that means more than your own life, then it’s difficult to understand. On your own at night-time, thinking, wondering what could happen. It’s enough to drive you crazy! The schools will have to informed and I will be looking behind and in front of me wherever I go. I was now on my guard.

It had been 10 months since my ex had seen our son. He had provided over the top Christmas presents and had left birthday presents for his 2nd birthday at the neighbour’s who dropped them around the night before. Apart from that I had received nothing, no contact, (thank God), no offer of support, just solicitor’s letters worrying about how much he could drain out of me. Wanker. 10 months…. I certainly couldn’t have spent a day away from my son without knowing how he is or what he had been up to. In his mind he had tried, tried for the first Christmas and birthday he had been away and now he couldn’t be bothered. I didn’t want any support, but I just wanted something; I wanted him to fight for his son, so I could refuse, show some sign of caring and regret. I wanted him to scream outside the house that I was depriving him of his son, just so I could feel a sense of satisfaction that I was hurting him. Nothing.

I text my HC asking if he knew that my ex was married to another woman at the same time as being in a relationship with me. His swift response was, ‘he had a fair idea.’ Which meant he knew. Why couldn’t he have told me? Again, a swift response telling me that it wouldn’t have made a difference and caused more hurt on my part.

I felt like no one was on my side. I was fending for my son and I. Where was my back up? Who was going to tell me everything was going to be alright and pick up the pieces of my heart that my ex had happily smashed and trodden on? I knew this was something I had to do on my own, but I just wanted a fairytale, someone to swoop in and mend my heart. I wanted a man to help me forget the memories, the laughter and the love I thought I had with my ex, someone to come in a wipe all the nasty things that had happened. I wanted to be loved by someone honest and kind. When I split up with my ex husband, as much as I thought I didn’t want to, I met my ex and he wiped the fear, the love, the hurt, the lies my ex husband created. He made me forget and move on.

To then meet an old friend, a nice guy and be used, lied to, I might as well have bent over and ask him to stab me in the back one more time as I hadn’t felt the previous pain from all the other knife wounds. I wanted to hurt, hurt someone. I wanted to hear pain from his voice, beg and plead. That fantasy would never make reality and I knew it. I felt like a steamroller. All the shit kept getting in the way and I just ran over it, without really feeling anything. Deep down, I felt everything, every lie, every comment made, every sympathetic look, but I was just going to roll over it for now. I didn’t know if or when I was going to break. With my shoulders and heart heavy, I just carried on.

He told me that he met my ex when he was using his ‘old’ name. They got on relatively well and my ex started to date a woman that they both worked with. My ex had just split up from his wife *Lauren* whom he had a daughter with and this new relationship apparently blossomed rather quickly. They wanted to get married and had apparently borrowed £5000 from this man to pay for the wedding. He told me he had a binding contract drawn up to receive the money back in installments. He had been invited to the wedding but couldn’t make it. He told me she had a son but he wasn’t sure whether it was my ex’s child or not. Great! Another child left by my ex, he just couldn’t keep it in his pants, or use a little something called protection. Selfish, always selfish I was thinking as he talked about my ex.

He said that the pair of them lived in a fantasy world and sure enough they split up and he left a trail of debt behind with her. She had apparently found out he had never been in the army and was cheating, so she kicked him out. They both stopped re paying the debt so he had to take them to court. I couldn’t believe all this, it didn’t seem to stop, the lies, secrets, I couldn’t rest until I had squeezed every bit of information out of him.

He told me that my ex tried to get her back round three months before he met me! He didn’t know the outcome, but that was as much as he knew with regards to their relationship. He told me that a short while after, he drove up to my ex’s parent’s house who handed over the money that my ex owed him. Technically because he was married, my ex only had to pay half whilst the other half was still her debt. I asked him about his parent’s adnd he described them perfectly. He said he was very civil and just wanted his money back, they treated him with disgust but paid him off. My question was; did they know he got married? Of course they did! His parents apparently went to the wedding and were very excited about it!

This started to explain a lot of unanswered questions I had about them. Why they never warmed to me, why he didn’t want to tell them we were engaged, why they never came to the house and possibly weren’t thrilled about the birth of my son. Things were slotting into place with their behaviour. Although I wanted to know everything in one way, in another, ‘what you don’t know can’t hurt you.’ Maybe I had found out too much information. Curiouser and curiouser.

I had heard through the grapevine that his police officer girlfriend had been relocated to another station, but again, no one had informed me of the outcome, so presumably she had escaped any charge. Personally I think she used her position, (being pregnant) to get away with any formal charges. I was disgusted. Although it was never confirmed to me personally that she had run checks on my cars and cars outside my house, I knew it had happened and she had gotten away with it. I couldn’t trust the police!

I tried to squeeze anything I could out of my HC, but he didn’t release any information to me. We continued talking everyday. Between us we must have text each other at least 100 times in a day. Eventually he opened up about his personal life and he told me he had a girlfriend that lived with him! I was still vulnerable, although I never portrayed that to anyone. I know it sounds pathetic, but it was the way I felt. He understood me, my history, my ex, it was all so easy – to a point.

A hot summers day and I had decided to do a spot of boring house shopping in B&Q. I was browsing through the paint section and saw someone who looked vaguely familiar. I approached him to get a better look and realised it was an old friend of my ex’s. We had bumped into him the year before and it was just by chance I saw him again. I knew the only way to play this was to act dumb. Maybe he had some information.

I went over to him and he automatically recognised me. We exchanged pleasantries and he asked me how my ex was. I started to brief him on what had happened and he didn’t even look surprised. He knew my ex by his ‘old’ name from a long time ago. I asked him why he wasn’t surprised. He said he knew my ex fairly well and his wife. ‘Oh, his ex-wife *Lauren*? I said. ‘No,’ he replied, ‘that’s not her name.’

‘Yes it is, they had a daughter together,’ I answered.

‘No, not a daughter, a son,’ he responded.

My jaw hit the floor.